lol. thank you <3

it was my complete pleasure!! i’m so happy you have a new love for poetry! use the energy to create, love :)

i understand that opening up a conversation with me

can sometimes feel like

you are facing:

lucifer’s childhood bully

your closet monster you never grew out of

an ex lover’s grudge

night terrors reincarnated into the mobility of your family’s limbs

i’m intimidating.

i’m uptight and serious.

my eyes squint more often than they smile

i don’t trust easy

some mornings, i ask you how you love me

because i know my body doesn’t tell you enough

i barely slept last night.

i wanted so badly to blame anyone

even you

or the mother of lies

but only found myself

tossing back and forth

in a wrestling match with the sheets

saying “this is all i could win”

but i didn’t even win last night

i took my frustrations out on your sleeping skeleton

and didn’t touch you

to remind you

that i am here

i thought about getting up

and looking into the bathroom mirror

saying things like

“you should smile more often”

saying things like

“you scare the easy truth away”

it is no wonder that i cannot tolerate liars

when lies aren’t even comfortable enough to tell me

i am my father’s daughter

completely

most days

i am oblivious to what yelling really is

last night

i wanted to whisper in your ear

that i am afraid i will keep pausing the times i want to tell you to hold me

i stopped when i got near your forehead

i was afraid my whisper would be too loud

like i

always am

and you would wake up afraid of my voice

i have been told

that my footsteps sound a lot like the tummy grumble of an angry god

so last night

i danced around our living room like a clumsy ballerina

you laughed.

it was my way of saying

i am sorry

i am rarely ever this soft.

There is nothing more unsettling
Than sitting and waiting
For something to say.

Sometimes I wish I can go back
To when there wasn’t all this pressure
All these expectations
All this know-it-all

I treat every poem like it is a score
A critique
I forget that art
Is always beautiful
Regardless of how pretty you can make it sound

Now everything is dull
I only see pastels
In the stroke of my words
Nothing is good enough
Everything sounds the same
I can’t stand the way my voice sounds
Except for when it cracks
It reminds me that there
Is more inside of me
I am too complacent to let out

It is unfortunate
That most days
I have to remind myself
That I am actually

Decent

At this

When before
The only thing that mattered
Was that I actually had something to say.

when i was 6

i asked my father to carry me—

as he bent his knees

grunted

put his palms under my arms

and lifted me up

he said: you’re too big to be held this way.

i felt like a nuisance.

when i woke up in the middle of the night

with your back towards me

i should’ve thought:

jerrica anne. it is 3am. she is sleep. if she were awake, she’d turn around and hold you again…

maybe you should think about the fact that you might’ve been the one who let go first.

instead:

we woke up in the morning and when you tried to hold me again

i tensed up my body instead of letting my skin

stick onto yours like velcro

stuck

but in the good way

we put words like “forever” and “good morning” in the same sentence

tell each other “i promise” instead of “i’m sure”

but it takes me longer to remember these things

when i wake up without being held.

it is easier to blame your subconscious for this

than just telling you:

i have an issue with people i love 

not holding me on demand.

when you drive and rest your right hand on the shifter

instead of holding mine

i think that you chose holding an inanimate object

instead of a part of my body

i respond by sitting on my hands sometimes

so that when you are ready to finally hold my hand

it is not readily available and you have to work for it.

i can’t stand being next to you and not touching you.

once:

i lost someone i loved and couldn’t remember the last time

we touched

i figure if you are always touching me,

i will never have to wish i could remember our last time.

i could just focus on getting over you.

i know that is selfish.

i compensate with giving you more strips of bacon in the morning—

i’m not really full.

i actually really love bacon, too.

i don’t kiss you as often as you’d like

because my lips get dry easily.

i don’t want you to think i have chapped lips—

i’d rather you think i don’t kiss you enough

i know that this is superficial of me.

i compensate with telling you that you don’t need make-up

and that your eyelashes are already long enough for me to climb on

you think i’m being funny

you say i make you laugh

i’m afraid if your heart is too heavy, you will leave me

so i make fun of you

and you laugh when i laugh at myself

but i risk hurting your feelings, anyway.

i know that does not make sense.

i know sometimes i never really do.

i compensate with telling you that you’re the only thing in my life

right now

that feels right.

I really need you right now.

I know I haven’t been the most responsible with you—

i. i don’t drink enough water

ii. i sleep with my hair wet sometimes

iii. i have bad posture

iv. i don’t floss everyday

v. i stand with my knees locked

vi. i don’t cook with a lot of vegetables

vii. i don’t eat my apples to the core

viii. i scratch. all the time. even when i’m not itchy.

ix. i avoid making doctor appointments

x. i pop pimples when they’re not “ready”

But I really need you right now.

I know I have a history of not listening to you—

i. when i sprained my ankle, i walked without my crutches

ii. i didn’t stay in bed after i got my wisdom teeth pulled out

iii. i stopped asking restaurants if they cook their food in peanut oil

iv. i hold in my pee like it’s a sport

v. when my stomach grumbles, i sometimes silence it with starbursts

vi. a migraine does not stop me from leaving the house

vii. i still try and crack my neck even with the herniated discs

viii. i don’t do my daily exercises to control the vertigo

ix. i lied to my physical therapists about doing my back exercises

x. i stopped putting ointment on my eczema rashes

i know you are just a shell.

i know you didn’t sign up to be flexible with my ambitious schedule

or be put to blame for not giving me the body type i’d like

i know i just expect to wake up

with you available to every beckoning call

i know you took care of me the most that you could

and i didn’t think you needed me, too.

so i’m sorry for not always being available.

but here are a couple of reasons why:

i. i haven’t figured out how to say “no” to people without feeling like a terrible person

ii. an A- looks a lot like a C to me and

iii. i’m afraid of being average

iv. i became a poet so in turn

v. i save some lives sometimes

vi. i don’t give myself enough credit

vii. my ears only hear compliments, they never listen

viii. i have no boundaries

ix. i’m afraid i don’t love others enough

x. no success i have will suffice to my standards of making my parents proud

i know this is another selfish gesture.

but i’m learning

i demanded

more than i asked

so i’m here now

i know i wake up every morning feeling like shit these past few months

because it’s finally your big “fuck you” to me

i don’t blame you for finally standing up to your bully

and i know i deserve it.

but i really need you. right now.

and i’m sorry it took me this long to realize…

that you need me, too.

I’m trynna do the 30/30 thang (one poem a day for the whole month of April)…and forgot to post them on here, too!  So here they are so far…stay tuned for the poem a day.  I hope I can actually do it this year lol

1/30-Emergency Waiting Rooms

After awhile—
fussing is a pass time. 
you only keep complaining
to hear the sound of your own voice
we want someone to listen. 

Nothing is ever really too 
Wrong
Too alarming

Emergency rooms
hold just as much smiles and laughter
as the time you realized
that something isn’t right

And we don’t ever really 
Really 
Want to be here.

—

2/30 The Meaning Behind Tiny Arguments

When all you hear
is the sound of untuned,
clicked jaws—
a shaky,
apologetic
tongue
the sound of hope 
in a choke hold

Instead of

the chime of the Moon
the light in my grandmother’s song—
you think
if there is just everyone else’s god
if he had a harp
or maybe even a harmonica
it would sound very close
to the emotional waves that recede on our spines—

Hearing is so selective when the drum of your heart
Overrides the correct beat in your ears

The thing about beauty
is that you appreciate it more 
when everything else has gotten ugly

But I am tired now. 
My sensitivities are an over-sized bed shirt
and the sleeves got caught on the hour hand

I am done now…

I just want to hear music now. 
I just want to hear
The constant chatter
Of our spirits
Instead of a Wanderer’s speech
I’m sorry for sometimes
Being stubborn enough to
Stay underwater—
We are not mermaids that can sing this deep and still be understood: We must let ourselves breathe—
Even when sometimes,
We flop like fish out of water

It’s just we are in love.
It’s just we are used to
Only being held when asked
We are beautiful beings
That only got touched when things got ugly enough 

It’s just we are in love. 
And we are still allowing
Our bodies
To get used to us. 

—-

3/30 10 Things I Know to Be As Truth

—inspired by Sarah Kay’s TED segment—

1. the human spirit is much more capable than the human body

2. there is always better

2a) it does not mean you should always go find it and

2b) it does not mean you always will, anyway

3. the Moon

4. those who are self-involved will always think they actually give too much

5. it is not a good deed if there is a seeking for praise or approval—it is just an intended action

6. dinosaurs will come back. and when they do, i’m rounding them up to stomp on everyone who told me otherwise. because i will be their Director.

7. even after death, my grandmother is always watching

8. it is those who deserve it most that can’t properly take a compliment

9. poetry can save lives

10. if you love until your heart’s teeth get knocked out, you will never really lose.

gill and i are grinding but my schedule has been so unstable these days. but definitely spring. hopefully before the end of May! we also plan on making it into a performance show…so i’m really excited for it!

the kindness is reciprocity. so thank you. and funny, i quoted cisneros in my statement of purpose for grad apps :) wonderful writer. it’s a privilege to think that you even thought of her and me in one thought frame. hahaha

i hope you’re well, love!

It feels nice to get to writing and recording again.  Going back and forth about new album ideas after I launch this new project with Gill Sotu.  This poem (or a version of it) may be on it.  Thank you for listening <3

equivocalequality:

If I were to build a community of hardworking, hardloving people advocating for change, and all we had to work with were Jerrica Escoto’s words, we would have nothing to worry about.

Blessed <3